PAHnties

My sister told me to blog about panties.
I am her slog (blog-slave).

She asked me what I was up to tonight. I had no real plans, but have been brainwashed by those super-exciting commercials with the Victoria's Secret models bouncing off the walls of human-sized boxes (caskets?), swerving around as their hips and shoulders ricochet against the walls, all in bras and panties. You know the commercial. It's about 15 seconds long, it gets rotated in 2x a year, and it has that LAYdaie with the AXsent saying "Horry en to VicTORia's SEEKret Semee Annuwal Saaaale!"

So I did. You walk in and there are round tables with pie-slice shaped plastic tubs FULL of twisted straps and cups, all in different coloUrs. Just about the oddest things you've ever seen, too. Purple lace over fuchsia mesh demi-cups. Mini-bustiers with boning in all the wrong places (and frills in all the right ones. Hello!). I've never seen these things in the store, but there they are, in their tubs, like so many soft kittens waiting to be adopted. I didn't find anything.

I decided that I'm sick of having to do my laundry once a week for a lack of everydaywearable underwear, so I headed over to the panties to try to find something. I started picking up a bunch of THONGS with a little keyhole cut out at the coccyx (that's the TAIL BONE, dirty bird. Though I suppose a hole in that particular location would tempt a boy to do all kinds of crazy things, a la assless chaps or crotchless PAHnties...). OK, so these were marked down from something retarded like $23 down to $5.99 and I'm thinking "whatta STEAL for these PAHnties!" But then there's the cotton collection and those are 5 for $25. So I looked at those instead and but so but UUGH they're like FLUORESCENT GREEN with purple and fuchsia elastic! WTF?!?!?

I mean, I get that it's underwear, and it is fun to put something bright and colorful underneath your black work slacks (or whatever it is you have to wear to work, right?). But when you think of how many times you've seen co-worker PAHnty lines or elastic waistband or crack, you might think twice.

OK, so I didn't pony up any money for bras or panties today. I did, however, cross the street to the Nor- ...sorry, that's "The"-capital-'T' North Face and dropped a few too many dollars on Sportiva-wear.

See, if you have a nice zip-up, you can skip the underwear altogether. Just zip that zipper up to your neck and viola!

Ka.Ja.Lang

ps. this post is dedicated to Maggie, who hates the word "panties" more than she is offended by the word "cunt," and to Ang who has a love/hate relationship with the singular "panty."