bleek

I “subscribe” or whatever to an organic produce delivery service. BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE CITY WITHOUT A CAR AND IT’S SURPRISINGLY CHEAP, DAMMIT. (Just defending my lifestyle. So SHUT UP.) Once every two weeks, under the cover of darkness, a man with a truck pulls by and tosses a cardboard box full of randomly selected fruits and veggies into my apartment building’s mailroom. I wake up on everyotherThursday morning feeling like it’s Christmas.

Sometimes the box is awesome –like in the middle of winter when I got some citrus fruits and kiwis and bananas (the organic ones aren’t as pornographic as the conventional ones) and huge wads of fresh dill and cilantro. Other times it totally sucks: it’s all Swiss chard and already-wilted Romaine lettuce, BAGS of apples, and WAAAAAY too many avocados. I live alone, Produce Man! If you make me eat 6 avocados before they get overripe I’ll ALWAYS live alone! “Good fat,” my ass!

So the trick is to prioritize: eat the strawberries first –and don’t leave them out for a day cause they’ll get really moldy and rot really fast (those went in the trash); cut the tops off the beets and store them properly (the tops went in the trash too, cause I don’t know what to do with BEET TOPS, I’m SORRY, Martha Stewart); Romaine is cheap, so if you can’t eat it fast enough, don’t worry about it –just throw it in the trash; potatoes? I don’t eat those. Toss ‘em out. Apples don’t really go bad, but they DO take up a lot of room. Chuck ‘em. I think once garlic grows those little green buds you’re supposed to throw it out too.

Really, it’s a good service. I’m eating SOOOO well!

Anyway my last box had a single leek in it. One leek. What do I do with ONE LEEK? –Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m trying a raw vegan detox type thing, so that means no cream of leek soup, and no recipes with pancetta (that really hurts when I have chard, too. Chard tastes like ASS without animal fat, yo). Anyhoo, I tried the recipe above, but without the pancetta. I tried it on a hungover stomach (after my WTF? date… more on that… maybe…), and took one bite and my stomach was like WHAT THE HELL, BITCH? The leek leaves are like big, wet, fibrous tongues dangling down my throat (just like my first kiss!), and the Dijon mustard pretty much made the acid in my stomach ferment into angry little curds of evil. I took a single bite and put the rest in the fridge for another, less bile-y day.

I ate the leftover leek for dinner tonight. The only good parts were the tender inner leaves. That means I had about 5 good bites of dinner. I’ve had my hand in a plastic bag full of raw pumpkin and sunflower seeds, raw almonds, and apple juice-sweetened cranberries ever since.

Tomorrow my blog will be about poop.