OMO, The Legend

I was going to write about poop? But there’s not much going on there (seriously, I’m a little worried). So instead I’m going to write about Oprah.

I live in Chicago. I don’t know if it’s because of the proximity to Harpo Studios or potential run-ins outside of her classy-tacky high-rise-condo-perched-atop-an-8-story-mall or what, but she secretly fascinates me. This may have started when my mom told me that her boss knows Oprah and Stedman, and he HATES Stedman, but says, “with Oprah, what you see is what you get.” Good lord, really? That must be overwhelming. How do you have brunch with that? Do you have to emphasize the ENDS OF YOUR SENTENCEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS? Take on an affected voice every once in awhile and start Sca-REAM-innnnNNG? Whenever a discussion about race comes up do you have to start talkin like a BLACK gurrl and pointing out the differences between the “cultures”?

This is a direct quote from Oprah on show I caught a few weeks ago:
“WHITE people WHITEN dey TEETH so dey LOOK like dey got MONEY.”

WHAT? Oprah, have you looked at your teeth or your bank account lately? SHUT UP!

So I catch her show when it replays at 11pm, and basically I want to put her in a cage and poke her and see what happens. Poke poke poke the bear.

Over the last several weeks, Oprah has been telling the ladies who watch her show to throw little parties tonight so they could watch her special on ABC about the Legends Ball she threw a year ago. “Call up the BABYsitta, and shake up some martinis, gurrls, cuz you GOTTA be watchin my show.” WHAT? She even had a show with Rachael Ray (she of inexplicable fame and the “EVOO, baby!” battle cry) where they created all kinds of appetizers and party foods –of course, you might consider serving these dishes at your Oprah’s Legends Ball Special on ABC Watching Party.

The premise of the Legends Ball was to thank the women who influenced Oprah and all women of color and inspired greatness. The catch phrase, I think, was “we stand on the shoulders of giants,” and Oprah’s justification was “I wanted to thank these women while we’re all still alive. Don’t spend the money on flowers for the casket, tell them how much you appreciate them now.” That’s really nice, right? Brava, Oprah, brava.

I think her hour-long special was meant to inspire us to Thank the Legends in Our Own Lives. Whatever. Outside of her studio and into prime time, Oprah has revealed herself to me a little more. The show consisted of clips of tape from her planning The Ball, from The Ball itself (and luncheon and WORSHIP SERVICE too), some sit-down interviews, and then some steady cam intros and outtros and whatnot.

Here are my very scientific conclusions based on these various scenarios (remember that I have no control group):
*Even after all these years and all those book club books, Oprah is illiterate. Every day on her show is like a bad presenter at the Oscars: she stumbles over words, and can’t emote or inflect in the right place. Haven’t her producers given her note cards before the show so she could practice her betweentros?
*Oprah on stage and tape has mastered the art of repeating the phrase after a pause. Repeating a phrase, after a pause…. After a pause… repeating a phrase. Repeating a phrase. YES!
(It’s how she makes a point, comes up with titles for articles in her magazine, and covers up for the illiteracy.)
*Oprah off stage is like a high school sophomore on the “regular English class” (as opposed to AP) track. She needs to study up on those vocabulary words if she wants to do well on her SATs and get into a good college!
*Oprah unscripted and uninterviewing has NO CONTROL OVER THE FLOODGATES. I swear, that woman is like a holy font. The shit keeps falling out of her eyes, and of course when people see HER crying, they’re either like “I gotta cry too!” or they’re reaching for the nearest cup so they can gather up those little jewels right off Oprah’s blubbering cheeks.
*Gayle? Total whore. And you can’t spell Gayle without the G-A-Y. Oprah’s little carpet munching friend is so fucking useless; I don’t understand why they bother slapping faux lashes on her and putting her on camera. I mean, they actually took a minute or two out of this hour-long special to put that woman on screen saying “I have so much respect and reverence for people who do seating charts for big events. ItÂ’s HARD!”
You REVERE people who do seating charts, Gayle? REALLY? I think Oprah, and by extension Gayle, needs an expanded vocabulary.
*Oprah does nice things, and there’s no arguing that. But she doesn’t need to JUSTIFY it all with a TV special. What the hell? Against her intentions, publicizing her efforts in order to inspire us just cheapens it all and waters down the message.
Duh.

And now that I’ve made this ranty, petty little list, I see that most of my problems with Oprah come from her not being in my English classes in high school and not reading the same source material I have. Who's being sophomoric now? I’m sorry, OprAAAAAAHHHHH! If it makes you feel better, I’m drinking WINE and eating CHOC-O-LATE! alone RIGHT! NOOOOOWWWWWW!, all because your Legends Ball Special on ABC inspired me to do right by myself tonight, gurrl.

And the audience goes "awwwwwww!"
And Karin takes a sip of her Smooth Move tea. ...tomorrow's show might be about poop after all! About poop. After all.